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Wednesday, July 28, 2010

The VJ Check-Up

It's been a week since the yearly VJ (in case you didn't know: vajayjay) check-up. After the visit, the NP or Dr. usually ends it with:

Give it about a week, no news is good news.


I know this office all too well. It's the same office I had to go to time and time again for both of my pregnancies. It's this same office I go to have the yearly VJ checked out and all it's accessories.

I sit in the waiting room and wait for my name to be called. The happy MA greets me, tells me to pee in a cup, and meet her at the scales. During my pregnancies, I had the pee-in-a-cup method down packed. I can do it quickly without getting a drop of pee on my hands. Even during my 3rd trimester, the large belly was no match. After not going for a year, my technique could have used some work.

Knowing I have to hop on a scale, I usually pick out my "lightest" outfits. After all, I want the weight on the scale to reflect my true weight and not an ounce more.

Then, we enter The Room. After the MA checks more vitals, she hands me my new outfit. A lovely two piece ensemble that is made up of a paper vest and a larger piece of rectangular paper to cover below the waist. I'm assuming this outfit is one size fits all. It's definitely not flattering to anyone.

The MA reminds me that the open side of the vest goes towards the front so they can do a breast exam. Great, can't leave out the girls during all this fun.

After getting undressed, I like to fold my clothes up nicely and tuck my undergarments away. I don't know why I obsess about this. It's not like the Dr/NP is going to be assessing my folding techniques. They're going to be assessing way more than that.

I hop on the table that's covered with more of the crunchy paper. I also try not to move much because the sound of the paper beneath my naked a** is disturbing. I sit there and wait uncomfortably. As I wait, I always read the posters that cover the wall (what else is there to do). Pictures of ovulation, the stages of pregnancy, what happens to a woman as she ages, types of birth control, etc. They do make lovely reading material as you sit there naked under some bright lights, as if on a Broadway stage.

Eventually, I hear the knock on the door. A warning of what is about to happen. Then the exam begins.

It's now been a week and I haven't heard from them, so I'm assuming it's good news. Yay, the VJ can rest easy for another year!

5 comments:

  1. LOL Reading this I was shaking my head to it all. I think and do the same things. Haha! The things we women go through. Sheesh.

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  2. Still laughing....!

    I have mine soon too.

    Don't know if I could blog about it in such a funny way. You are such a funny writer. Smart and sharp and an acidic sense of humour!

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  3. OMG, you read every single thought in my head at my appointment! How did you even just do that? I must say, it's awesome to know I'm not alone.

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  4. Very funny. I hate doctor's visit especially when it is about the VJ. But I have to do what I got to.

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  5. So happy for you and your VJ! haha! You are so funny, love the part about distributing the weight of your butt evenly on the paper!

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