Sunday, August 15, 2010

Letter to the Blond

I wanted to dedicate this to the blond gal that was in my kickboxing class.

Dear Barbie,
Since my workout sessions at the gym are so haphazard, I didn't realize that they changed the rules on me. It was only a few weeks ago that you can just walk right into the class. I wasn't aware that this particular teacher had a following and now it's mandatory to get a ticket to enter. I thank you for making space for me, because if you didn't, I'd drive myself back home and be pissed for the remainder of the night as I eat a dozen cupcakes to ease my anger.
I'm sure you could care less but making time to go to the gym takes a lot of time. Not only do I have to make sure I have someone to watch the kids, I have to start preparing hours in advance. I have to not only prepare the children's bags of various items, but I have to prepare myself mentally. 
 Please excuse me if you feel like the back of your neck is burning. It's only me admiring you. Even though I can tell you aren't a real blond, you somehow manage to work the bold, blond highlights. I like the way your toned arms don't flap the way mine do. If you don't mind me asking, what type of sports bra are you using? Somehow I feel the need to invest in a better one, so the girls look perky, like yours. Also, I'm in awe that your butt doesn't jiggle here and there the way mine does. 

 I also wanted to let you know I'm not giving you an evil stare. It's actually the sweat dripping in my eyes. It is causing me pain and I can't see the instructor. I'm squinting to lessen the burn and to focus on the teacher. Just to inform you, I'm not snarling at you either. I'm actually using some alpha-hydroxy pads that claim they can rejuvenate my skin and make me look younger. They cause my skin to be extremely sensitive to the acidic nature of my own perspiration. 

 Thank you once again,

PS After our workout, how would you like to get some cupcakes? If your diet doesn't allow for it, I'll eat your share and you can have my iced water with a wedge of lemon. 


  1. Very funny! This really put a smile on my face. I would do something like that-leave annoyed and get a few cupcakes on my way home. Don't feel bad, my butt jiggles too! Don't forget to check out the great artistic blogger in Mama's Little Nestwork! She really is amazing! Have a great night!

    Mama Hen

  2. Ugh. I hate exercise but LOVE the results.

    So, there you have it.

  3. haha I love this! Especially the cupcake part! Yum!

  4. I totally needed a laugh tonight so thank you for this!!! Love the part about the cupcake...I'd take you up on that offer in a heartbeat!!!

    I quit going to the gym, mainly because just preparing to get the kids there and dealing with the crying and whatnot while dropping them off at the daycare wasn't worth it anymore!!

  5. Hilarious!! I love the part about not giving her dirty looks, but that it's sweat in your eyes.

    I guess we all know one of those damn Barbies, huh?!

  6. Hahahaha I so love this post, girl! And I'll eat those cupcakes with you anytime ;)

  7. This could have been written by me, except for the prepping the kids part. Those, I don't have. But flappy arms, not-so perky boobs and a jiggley bottom -- YES! And I'm single! Know any guys in the market for a flabby chic on her way to spinsterhood?

  8. Not to worry. She'll probably end up having kids; her girls will be far from perky and her sports bra will have to work overtime to keep them above waist level; she could probably end up flying due to her tricep flaps; and her butt will look like lumpy dough, packaged in sausage casing.

    Or she won't. In which case, I'll buy ya another box of cupcakes.

  9. Uggh, yeah I have a couple of those blondes in my hot yoga class. And I also (don't) glare at their perfect-despite-100-degree-room-temperature hair while mine is all frizzing up and stuck to the top of my head:(

  10. Ha! Do you read - if not you'd love her!. Thanks for the b-love via Mamas lil Nestwork. So glad your funk has left the building!